Modern Motherhood, Redefined: A Reflection

Obviously, it’s been some time since I’ve published here.

Why? Two primary reasons:

  1. Just like most people across the globe, this year has thrown countless curveballs my way, and I’ve struggled to carve out time to steadily do anything for myself, including (and especially) blog.
  2. Amidst the many crises we’re facing right now — including the coronavirus pandemic, an economic downturn, heightened awareness of racial injustice, and impacts of climate change — blogging about “mom stuff” felt so inauthentic.

And that’s when I asked myself: why am I limiting myself from addressing these things on my blog?

Because, I realized, these crises that we as a society are collectively experiencing — they are directly impacting my identity as a modern mother. Not only because my professional life tasks me with programmatically responding to these different events. But also (and more importantly) because these current events are forcing me to seriously consider:

Am I responding to what’s happening in the world in a way that I’m proud to model for my children?

  • Am I modeling the importance of looking beyond myself and considering how my actions impact those around me?
  • Am I actively fighting social injustice and trying to make the world a more equitable and loving place, both for people now and in the future?
  • Am I exercising my rights — and helping to preserve the rights of those around me?
  • Am I demonstrating the importance of civic engagement?
  • Am I showing what it means to be a steward of the earth?
  • Am I prioritizing what means the most to me (my husband; my children; my family; my physical, spiritual, and mental well-being), and do my everyday actions reflect that these are my priorities?
  • Am I comfortable showing vulnerability to my kids — and sharing that it’s okay (even necessary!) to show when I’m not okay (and that I’m actively working to heal myself)?
  • Am I embodying what it means to be a loving member of our greater community, in my thoughts, words, and actions?

I can’t answer all these questions with a confident and resounding “yes!” — every day, I struggle with near debilitating feelings of inadequacy. I’m constantly plagued with the fear that I’m not doing enough, that I’m not outspoken enough, that I’m hesitating to make the appropriate decisions I can make to make the world better for my children and their children.

But I’m trying. And I’m giving myself the grace to “unlock” this blog as another way for me to process this journey. In dialog with other people (other parents and caregivers, maybe?) who are constantly questioning in this day and age, whether or not they’re doing what’s best for society now and for future generations.

So what does this mean? This means that the content in here is going to a cover a broader spectrum.

I will still share anecdotes of pregnancy, parenting children with severe allergies, being a working mom, managing my own household, etc. But I will also start to share some commentary on current events, modern-day trends in light of our many global crises — topics that some people may deem “too political” for a blog initially framed as one on motherhood.

But, if I’m honest, modern motherhood (parenthood) includes addressing these kinds of topics with our children. Well, at least that’s the case for this modern mother.

So that’s why I plan to do. Hopefully you’re willing to figure this all out alongside me — I definitely welcome the company on this journey.

Getting a C-Section: A Refresher

A little over one year ago, I published a few posts in my “Getting a C-Section” series (click here to read the first, second, and third posts) with the intent to finish the entire series by the end of April — Cesarean Awareness Month.

But, as sometimes happens in life, I became too busy with other obligations, and I never finished writing about my experience.

Now, as April 2020 comes to an end, I’m revisiting this time in my life and finishing the series.

Continue reading “Getting a C-Section: A Refresher”

Bright Spots: New Easter Celebrations

Typically, we spend Easter Sunday in a pleasant frenzy. Getting dressed up.  Coordinating gifts for the boys with the Easter Bunny. Serving at Mass. Cooking up something small to add to the feast we would inevitably share with my extended family, all 30+ of us crammed into some relative’s home to celebrate the holiday.

This year is, obviously, more subdued. I think it’s easy for me to mourn the Easter that could have been — and to feel annoyed with this pandemic and its effects on my life, particularly in light of this holiday’s importance to my faith and to my entire family.

And that emotional weight seems a bit heavier when I take into account:

  1. I haven’t seen my extended family in over a month.
  2. My grandparents wish that they could see my kids and me, since being around their grandchildren and great-grandchildren is one of their highlights of any holiday.
  3. I’m continuing to grapple with my sense of parental failure, particularly since I dropped the ball a bit and completely overlooked compiling an Easter basket for Tadashi and Hiro.

Going into this Easter Sunday — particularly last night, as I prepared to fall asleep — I wrestled with an overall sense of sadness, frustration, and emptiness. How could this day be special when it seems like everything has gone so wrong?

Continue reading “Bright Spots: New Easter Celebrations”

Bright Spots: Birthday Celebrations

Your special day was more subdued than I envisioned.

I suppose “subdued” is what I should have expected, though, in the midst of a global pandemic and a regional directive to shelter in place. There’s only so much you can do when restaurants are closed, nonessential traveling is discouraged, and gatherings of 10 or more people are essentially banned.

Truthfully, I had hoped to throw you a huge shindig. Not necessarily in terms of the guest list (because I know you prefer to keep things intimate). But definitely in terms of energy. A party full of laughter and beer and burgers and donuts and all the people that you like to have in your corner.

I’m saddened that I couldn’t give you that celebration this year, especially since this is a milestone one for you. Amidst all this craziness going on in the world, I recognize that my reaction is selfish, probably a little misplaced. After all, there are bigger things going on in the world, right?

But after yesterday, after our “subdued” birthday celebration at home, I would have to say: no, celebrating you on your day — just the five of us, with the empty takeout boxes piled on the counter, with Henri whining for crumbs or potentially a big bite, with the boys’ chubby faces lighting up to sing you “happy birthday” and devouring their pieces of cake and ice cream — is the biggest thing going on in the world for us right now.

So, happy birthday to you, love. Thank you for being you. Thank you for weathering this storm. Thank you for always thinking about what’s best for me and the boys. On your 30th birthday, I hope we were able to give you the best, too.

Motherly Confessions: I Like to Be Away from My Kids

Harsh truth time: I’m a mom who likes being away from her kids.

I came to this realization when I was a little past the halfway point of my maternity leave after I had my second son Noah. I was one of the lucky few people in the U.S. whose employer offered a generous maternity leave (i.e. paid and longer than a few weeks): in all, I had roughly six months total of paid time off both to recover from childbirth and to bond with my newborn baby. And throughout that time, I had an opportunity to reflect on my motherhood style.

I undoubtedly cherished every minute of my leave (and, for the record, I would never exchange that time off for anything in the world, and I fundamentally believe that: one, this country needs to mandate paid parental leave for all types of parents, and two, we need to destigmatize parenthood, particularly pregnancy and motherhood, in the workplace… but I digress, as that is a topic of conversation for another, much meatier blog post). However, I realized during that time that I’m a better mom, a better wife, a better head of household, and, in truth, an all around better person when I spend some time away from my kids.

Continue reading “Motherly Confessions: I Like to Be Away from My Kids”

Raising Two Boys: What I Hope to Teach My Sons

A little under two months ago, I gave birth to my second son.

It’s a funny thing because, while I’d always envisioned myself as a mother, I’d never thought that I’d be the mother of two boys. I guess I’d always assumed I’d have at least one daughter (not to say that isn’t an option in the future; I’m just not really thinking about another baby anytime soon).

As a modern-day woman — and one who had grown up in a household with a 2:1 female-to-male ratio —, the thought of raising a daughter always seemed a lot more straightforward. I knew from direct experience the lessons I wanted to impart on her, the gender expectations I wanted to sidestep.

But a son? Let alone two sons?

There is a lot more gray area for me to navigate — and a basic lack of understanding of the modern male experience. Raising boys always seemed like an intimidating task to me.

Thankfully, I have an amazing partner who’s had his own experience navigating harsh expectations of what it means to be a man. And he’s been so integral in helping us prioritize how we want to raise — and, ultimately, define some key lessons that we want to impart on — our boys.

My three guys.

So, here are our main hopes in raising two boys.

Continue reading “Raising Two Boys: What I Hope to Teach My Sons”

A Letter to My (Unborn) Second Child

Dear Baby Bean #2,

First off, I apologize if Mommy and Daddy seem a bit preoccupied. Days, weeks, and months pass by, and I realize that I haven’t so much as read you a book or sang you a song or gave you a gentle love tap through Mommy’s growing belly.

I assure you: it’s definitely not because there are more important things going on in our lives. And definitely not because we don’t think about you or have forgotten about you.

That’s the furthest thing from the truth.

It’s nearly impossible for the days, hours, minutes, seconds to pass by without you, Little Bean, entering my thoughts. Especially because you never let me not think about you, with your constant kicks and dances.

I’m so grateful for how much you move. Every movement helps me to learn about you a little bit more and more. 

I can tell you’re going to be a bit of a firecracker, which both warms my heart and terrifies me to no end.

Daddy and I would be kidding ourselves if we didn’t acknowledge that you’re going to keep us on our toes. It’s an inevitability.

When I think about your pending arrival, I get nervous. Not because I’m scared to meet you. Not even because I don’t think that Daddy and I will know what to do (not that we’re professionals — I just know that when I meet you, I’ll be able to figure out what you need).

No, I think I’m nervous because I know that I will love you so much.

My heart has already been full.

With gratitude and joy and unconditional love for the life I’ve had over the past few years. For the people that I’ve been fortuitous enough to surround myself. Especially your daddy and your brother and your fur-brother, your aunts and uncles and grandparents and cousins. There are so many people that I have given so much love to; it’s hard to imagine having the capacity to love anyone or anything else at this point.

But I know that’s what will happen: my seemingly already-filled heart will inevitably expand a bit more to accommodate how much love I’ll undoubtedly feel about you.

That much love is hard for me to comprehend.

So, I’m just writing to let you know that I’m anxious to meet you. I’m eager to meet you. I’m counting down the days, Little Bean (but also, selfishly, crossing my fingers that you’re cozy enough in my womb that you’ll wait those five more weeks until you’re “supposed to” make your grand entrance into this world).

We’ll see you soon. And we can’t wait to love you — with all our bodies, minds, and hearts.

Love,

Mama Bean

My Second Pregnancy Struggles

Disclaimer: this blog post is super ranty and whiny and does not, in any way, shape, or form, represent my feelings toward my soon-to-be-born second child.


I’m a little over 34 weeks into my second pregnancy, and all I have to say is this: it has been a huge struggle.

My sister, my doctor, my mother, my aunts, my co-workers — basically every woman I know who has experienced multiple pregnancies — have assured me: feeling this much physical discomfort and pain during my second pregnancy is completely normal. Which, I guess, is supposed to be a comforting sentiment.

But, admittedly, my increasingly disgruntled (and, therefore, increasingly pessimistic) self just can’t help but grumble: this sucks so much.

I’m sure I’ve shared this with you all before, but I’ll say it again: I’m honest with myself and know that I’m not one of those women who particularly enjoys being pregnant. Granted, I love my children, and I’m so thankful that this nine-month journey ends with a little being that I somehow simultaneously love so much and can’t seem to love enough… But the journey itself?

Yeah, I’m not a fan.

Continue reading “My Second Pregnancy Struggles”

New Year, Who Dis?: My Commitments for 2019

Dear Readers,

Another year has come and gone, and I inadvertently abandoned this “beanbrain” blog about a quarter into 2018.

My apologies for that one. I hate making excuses as to why certain goals, especially my creative projects, fizzle out as the year progresses. But I’m just going to put my justifications out there. And you are welcome to pass judgment (or not).

  • Work became insane. I actually went through a pretty tumultuous professional year shortly after returning from maternity leave last January, which resulted in my moving into two different jobs throughout the course of the year. Both roles within the same company, both ultimately great moves for my long-term professional career — they just made my day-to-day schedule (and managing a blog) a little more challenging.
  • I found out I was pregnant again. Yup. I’m actually about 33 weeks along. I’ve been growing steadily larger and becoming more and more tired. And Reggie and I are just counting down the days until our little family grows a little bit bigger. So, of course, managing a second pregnancy and taking care of an increasingly rambunctious toddler leave little room to blog (and also made my fitness and weight loss goals pretty much nonexistent).

But…

It’s a new year. And I’ve committed to making 2019 my year of no excuses.

Continue reading “New Year, Who Dis?: My Commitments for 2019”

Mother’s Day 2018: A Quick Ode

It’s my first Mother’s Day. And while the weekend was both low-key and eventful (main highlights: a lot of downtime at home with my three best guys and an emergency visit from the paramedics when Tadashi* had an allergic reaction to formula), it’s also given me an opportunity to reflect on motherhood in general and, specifically, what that means within my life.

Today, on Mother’s Day, I want to recognize that who I am as a mother has only come to fruition because of a few notable individuals around me. So here are a few thank-you notes to a few important people in my life…

On my first Mother’s Day, I can’t help but feel extra grateful for everyone who has helped shape me as a mother — especially my baby boy.

To my mom…

Continue reading “Mother’s Day 2018: A Quick Ode”