I know that I haven’t shared a blog post in over a month, which I both find unacceptable for my writing goals and refuse to apologize for (the lack of apology comes from my commitment to embrace when I can’t be perfect!). But, now that I’ve found a few minutes, I’d love to share a quick update with you all.
As you know, the whole point of my motherhood blog is to be extremely honest about my parenting reality. And the truth is: this has been a tough month! And while I wanted so badly to stay on top of my writing, I, unfortunately, had to let it slide through the cracks while I got into a bit of a routine with taking care of Tadashi* on my own: Reggie went back to work, and his wedding photography work has picked up a bit, which means more time dedicated to a rapidly growing infant and little time for anything else.
Thankfully, I feel like I’m settling into a routine with my son (and hopefully can start to write a little bit every day moving forward!). Also, I feel like I’ve developed a great deal of self-confidence. Not only in my ability as a mother, but also in my willingness to accept all my inabilities as a mother (and a human being going through a lot of physical, mental, and emotional changes).
Which is a big deal! That self-acceptance has really helped me to move past some of the anxieties that I’ve shared with you all already (and a few more anxieties that I hope to share in the coming weeks). Also, slightly freed of that pressure of perfection, I’ve been able to accomplish quite a few things over the past few weeks (which I also hope to share with you all in future blog posts), including:
- Taking Tadashi around town by myself – more than once!
- Bringing Tadashi (and Henri) on a couple day trips to Vallejo.
- Leaving Tadashi for an extended period of time to do something for me.
- My first couple of postnatal workouts!
- Reggie and me going on our first date night since Tadashi’s birth.
We’re even planning to take Tadashi on his first overnight trip down to Monterey (I’m writing this while taking a break from packing). So I would say that’s substantial progress from when I last wrote.
That’s not to say everything has been easy. There still have been moments when I struggle with whether or not I’m doing things correctly. When I feel anxious about leaving Tadashi, which I’m sure will get worse as my return to work date approaches. When it’s hard to feel like anything more than a milk machine. When Reggie and I struggle with reconciling our new identities as “father and mother” with our primary identities as “husband and wife.”
I keep reassuring myself: these are all normal highs and lows. And I want to thank you all for enduring my unintentional hiatus during a typical low point.
So here’s to the holiday season, the upcoming new year, and hopefully a lot more blog posts!
Sarina, a.k.a. “beanbrain”